I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
where am i from again
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
