i barfeds in our rink
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize