u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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