This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
