Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
