sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
