I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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