My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
