I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
