She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
