Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
