i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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