Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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