i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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