Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
