He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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