I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
