Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
