You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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