she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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