we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
