The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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