Cold hands, warm shart.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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