and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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