barbara walters just said penis...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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