I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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