Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
