That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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