I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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