Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
