I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
