I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
