Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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