I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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