it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
