I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
