Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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