I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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