If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
