I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
