he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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