Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
