i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
