I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
