I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
