Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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