she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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