He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
