theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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