She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
