My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
