I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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