i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize