it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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