There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
