I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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